Sitting with Fear

a ritual to face it, feel it and maybe learn from it.

Fear is stalking you.

It can no longer be ignored. It has been there for a while sloping in the shadows disguising itself as anger, anxiety or depression. It is a messenger. It demands to be recognised and honoured. It demands to be allowed to transform you.

And I know it’s hard. Much easier to escape into the endless tunnels of the internet, or sharpen your teeth for a fight. Much easier to just play dead and hope it goes away. Because change is scary and perhaps that’s the fear behind all fears, the fear of change.

But if you can sit with it and let it do its work it will no longer distort your perception. In that newfound clarity you will learn something about yourself and that, my friend, will change you.

You Will Need

Paper and pen

Something with which to mark out space on the floor (rice, salt, chalk, ribbon, rope, stones, candles, chopsticks… use your imagination)

This ritual will take around 15 minutes plus any time for reflection or journaling afterwards.

The Ritual

Contemplate how you usually respond to fear. Do you run, fight, or freeze? Running often looks like avoidance or distraction. Fighting often manifests as irritability, anger or straight up starting fights. Freezing feels like shutting down, numbness and dissociation.

Set a timer for three minutes and write down your fear. Don’t stop writing until the time elapses, if you run out of words just write nonsense, or repeat yourself.

Take a breath.

Ask yourself: Why am I afraid of this?

Rewrite your fear in one sentence.

Ask yourself: What do I fear happening?

Rewrite your fear in three words.

Ask yourself: What do I fear losing?

Rewrite your fear in one word.

Write your fear on a piece of paper with each letter on top of the other so it looks like a meaningless scribble.

Draw a triangle around that scribble.

Make a triangle of roughly 4ft on the floor out of whatever materials you have available, if you can’t draw out the shape simply mark the corners with objects.

Put the piece of paper in the triangle.

Stand or kneel at one side of the triangle, take a deep breath, let it out. Set a timer for one minute. Focus your gaze on the piece of paper. Now start to pant quickly and shallowly as if you were running fast. Get your shoulders involved, moving up and down with your breath. Imagine you are a prey animal running from something terrible.

When the timer elapses resume normal breathing and move to the next side of the triangle. 

Take a deep breath, let it out. Set a timer for one minute. Focus your gaze on the piece of paper. Now tense every muscle in your body, curl your hands into fists as if anticipating a fight. Hold that tension. Conjure up a feeling of anger and the will to defend yourself.

When the timer elapses, relax your body and move to the next side of the triangle.

Take a deep breath, let it out. Set a timer for one minute. Focus your gaze on the piece of paper.

Freeze. Stock-still. Hold your breath, don’t move a muscle. Imagine you are an animal hoping not to be seen.

When the timer elapses, resume normal breathing.

Stand at the side of the triangle that corresponds to your usual response to fear, if you're a runner stand at the first side, if you’re a fighter stand at the second and if you’re a freezer at the third.  

Take a deep breath.

Step into the triangle. You can remain standing, but since this ritual is called sitting with fear I suggest you sit. Try to feel the fear rather than think it. Breathe. Observe the sensations in your body. Stay in the present moment, resist the urge to tell yourself the stories relating to this fear and simply feel it. 

When your mind is clear of stories, raise your arms to 45 degrees and hold them there. Stay focused on the sensations in your body as your arms begin to ache. If you want to speak aloud tell your fear: I feel you. Or repeat this as a silent mental mantra. When you cannot keep your arms aloft any longer, pick up your piece of paper, fold it into the smallest shape possible. Put it in your pocket or tuck it in your bra.

Step out of the triangle through one of its points. Now is a good time to journal, create art or talk to a friend about your fear. Try to answer the question: what does this fear have to teach me?

Keep the fear about your person until you feel you’ve learnt all you can from it, at least this time around. When that time comes, dispose of it somewhere outside your home. A public bin in a beautiful park is perfect

Ritual Recap

• Reduce fear to one word.

• Write your fear with the letters on-top of each other, enclose it in a triangle.

• Create a triangle on the floor, put your fear inside it.

• At the first side breathe like you’re running.

• At the second side tense up, like you’re preparing for a fight.

• At the third side, freeze.

• Step into the triangle.

• Be present with the fear.

• Raise your arms in surrender.

• Feel, don’t think.

• When your arms get tired, fold up the paper and put it in your pocket.

• Exit the triangle at a corner.

• Journal.

.