A Ritual to Quell Existential Dread
for people struggling with the problem of free will (or lack thereof)
You are stuck.
It occurred to you, some time ago now, that all matter obeys laws of cause and effect. Planetary bodies, weather systems, dominoes, everything—even your own mind—is deterministic. And you’d already decided that philosophical parsimony requires that you don’t splurge on belief in non-evidential, non-material concepts like aether, spirit or soul. Apart from maybe dark matter, but you’re not entirely sure what that is, and you’re suspicious of anyone who claims to know. So that leaves you a material being, animated meat, no more free than the stars in the sky.
Everything does happen for a reason, you wryly observe: its direct cause.
Even the electricity carrying these increasingly disturbing thoughts around your head is precipitated by material causes that kicked off in some incomprehensible darkness before your birth. Before the universe’s birth. You were always going to be here, reading this, right now. And even if physicists have found some kind of quantum loophole it will not grant you freedom, it just subjects you to the even stranger whims of chaos.
At some point during this rumination you start to feel disembodied. You watch as your hands reach out in front of you as if from behind the thick curved glass of an old tube TV. You catch your reflection in a bus stop and don’t recognise your body. You sit still for hours wondering if you’ll ever move again. Or you get reckless. You think ‘my choices don’t matter’ then ‘I have no choices’ then ‘nothing matters’. And it’s all downhill from there.
Thinking will not get you out of this gravity well, but this ritual might.
You will need
A six sided dice (an actual die not a virtual dice)
Something very old (you will need to know its approximate age and be willing to potentially lose it)
A pen and notebook
A map of your local area and compass (you could make do with google maps)
A timer (I recommend using the one on your phone)
This ritual is best performed immediately upon waking and will take up to a day to complete.
The Ritual
In the place where you sleep, determine the cardinal directions (north, south, east and west). Draw this symbol in your notebook and orient it appropriately.
Sit in front of your open notebook holding your dice in both hands near your heart. Close your eyes, slow your breathing. Repeat silently the mantra I’m here, breathing in on the first word and out on the second. Try not to think about rolling the die. At some point the urge to roll will become irresistible, so allow yourself to roll it.
Consult the symbol and ascertain the bearing which relates to the number you rolled. For example one is north, two is north-east etc.
Roll again, this time do it quickly as if trying to catch yourself off guard. Can you roll the die before you decide to roll it? Note the second number.
Take a moment to look at your map. Take note of the geographical features surrounding your location and the distance to the sea. Draw a straight line for the number of miles indicated by your second die roll in the direction of your first.
Go to the place where that line ends or as close as possible. Find somewhere nearby to sit. Open your notebook to the symbol and place it in front of you, making sure to orient it correctly.
Assume a comfortable posture, spine upright chin slightly dipped, hold the die in your upturned hands on your lap and close your eyes. Return to your deep slow breathing and repeat the silent mantra I’m here.
Once you have reached a state of relative stillness, picture the map you consulted to find this location. If you have trouble with visualisation, imagine what it would be like to be able to picture the map, remind yourself what it looks like using the language of the colours, locations and terrain.
Now zoom out until you can see the sea, and further until you can see your whole country, continent, hemisphere and eventually the whole globe hanging in space. Rock gently in an anticlockwise circular motion as you imagine all the planets of our solar system moving around the sun and yourself drifting further out in space. Now see our great star as one among billions in an infinitely slow dance, slow your rocking until you are still.
Take a deep breath then begin rocking again this time clockwise and imagine descending back into our solar system, seeing our planet then your own hemisphere, continent, country and the landscape you are sitting in. See yourself from above and slow your rocking to stillness. Descend into your body and focus on your breath, feel or imagine your heart beating, imagine the neuronal pulses being passed around your brain. See them as lights in the darkness of your head like the stars, dancing. Repeat the silent mantra I’m here.
Slowly open your eyes and stretch your arms above your head letting the die fall on the ground in front of you. Note the third number.
Stand up and place your very old object in exactly the place where you were sitting. You will leave the object there for a length of time equivalent to its age. For example you may leave a 66 million year old ammonite for sixty-six minutes, a 30 million year old insect preserved in amber for three hours, or a neolithic arrowhead for six hours and twenty-two minutes. Choose an appropriate length of time, no longer than a day. Set a countdown timer when you place the object on your seat.
Head off in the direction indicated by the third number. Find somewhere you can sit and write undisturbed for the period and maybe grab a coffee. You can be as near or far from your object as you like but you are not to touch or otherwise interfere with it until the timer elapses even if it starts raining or you see someone pick it up through the window of a Starbucks. Take a note of how long it took to reach your contemplation spot, you will need to set off to return to the object so you arrive back there at the moment the timer elapses.
Placing the timer somewhere you can see, take out your notebook and begin to work on the anagram (below) indicated by the third number. The words you discover are the answer you need to release you from your existential dread. If you solve the anagram before your timer elapses use the remaining time to begin brainstorming what the question could possibly be.
When the timer gets near to elapsing return to the place where you left your very old object.
If your very old object is still there, kneel in front of it and close your eyes. Think back to when it was created, imagine the years between that moment and now. When you reach the present take three deep slow breaths accompanied by the silent mantra I’m here.. Pick up the object and hold it up to the light of our great star as if in a toast. Say to everything greater than I and nod as if sending your regards to the sun. Slip the object in your pocket and take it home. Display it somewhere it will be touched by sunlight and whenever it catches your eye salute it with the same toast. Once you have solved the anagram and determined the question it answers through reflective journaling you can retire the object, perhaps leaving it as an offering at the location of your ritual.
If the object is gone, sit where it was and close your eyes. Imagine the weight of the object in your hands, its texture. Think back to when it was created, imagine the path it took from that moment of creation to coming into your possession. When you reach the present moment imagine the infinite possibilities of your objects future in a widening treelike pattern. When the tree becomes too large to comprehend, open your eyes and say as if in a toast to the empty space where the object was to the unknown. Get up and leave, don’t look back. When you get home find a place to put your die near your bed and salute it with the same words before sleep and upon waking. Once you have solved the anagram and determined the question it answers through reflective journaling you can retire the die perhaps leaving it as an offering at the location of your ritual.
Ritual Recap
Roll the die twice, determine a direction and number of miles.
Go to that location.
Visualise zooming out, then back in.
Roll the die again.
Leaving your old object in that location, set a timer and head off in the direction indicated by the die roll.
Find somewhere comfortable to spend a few hours.
Roll the die once more.
Work on the anagram indicated.
If you solve it in the allotted time, reflect on what question it could be answering.
Return to your original location when the timer elapses.
If your object is still there, visualise its long life and make a toast. If your object is gone, imagine the infinite possibilities of its future travels and make a toast.